So it's April 26th. This morning on the way to work it was 38 degrees with a 31 degree windchill. I tell you this because the weather wasn't the only thing that sucked today. Also sucking: American Idol.
Tonight's theme is the catchy Music from the Last Five Years. That doesn't sound so difficult, does it? No 70s crap, no 80s awkwardness. Just pick a song from the last five years and sing it. Let's see how they do...
Up first, Carrie. Before Carrie sings, we learn that she is kind, loving, and likes animals better than people. This makes her mom burst into tears. Carrie comes out and sings a country song. In fact, I would challenge you to find any song that is more country than this song. This also means I've never heard the song before, and I will never hear it again.
Carrie seems pretty solid to me tonight. She looks kind of cute, in that I-just-straightened-my-hair-so-I-look-more-like-Kelly-Clarkson sort of way. Up next: Carrie will dye her hair brown and put in highlights. She'll also start seeing Justin Guarini, but the two of them will decide they're too busy to have a "thing" right now, though they'll always be really good friends, even after From Justin to Carrie bombs and Justin fades into even further obscurity.
Carrie doesn't actually sound anything like Kelly, though, and that's mostly a bad thing. The vocals seem somewhat solid, though I can't for the life of me figure out what the helk (helk - harsher than "heck", more kid-friendly than "hell") the words are that she's singing. I'm sure it's something inane, because I have yet to hear a fast-paced country song that isn't completely inane.
But in Carrie's defense, she isn't singing about cake this week and she does move around and smile a little. Not her best vocals, not her worst performance. Meh.
Aside: I catch a commercial for the Lemony Snicket DVD. During the commercial, it is pointed out that Lemony Snicket won an Oscar for Best Makeup. I'm sorry, but doesn't it seem like there's a fundamental disconnect here between the movie and its intended target audience, which is not, as far as I can tell, cosmetologists? It's obviously a kid movie, based on a kid book, but what parent is going to think to themselves, "Geez, it won an Oscar for make-up? The kids are gonna love it!"
Up next Bo. Bo has a normal girlfriend, loves guitars, is verified to be the real thing by his bandmates, and complains that now that he's getting older, headbanging hurts his neck. That last bit makes me chuckle and like Bo.
Bo's likability is strong enough to counter his odd look tonight, which is sort of a rock star Jesus/Bob Marley with big sunglasses ensemble that doesn't work and distracts from the song, which was solid enough, but didn't blow me away. Before we see Bo, we get to see Clay Aiken, and it occurs to me that Bo won't ever be going on Doctor Phil and complaining about how people bullied him, cuz people don't bully Bo. And not cuz he's a thug like Scott, but because you don't want to bully Bo. You don't bully someone who's just doing his thang. Respect.
Next is Vonzell. Vonzell is from Florida and Vonzell is a mail carrier and Vonzell could kick your ass. And when she's done with you, she's got a whole karate family you'd have to contend with, or with which you'd have to contend, depending on your grammatical preference.
So it's with some reluctance I mention that Vonzell had a bad beginning, nailed the middle, and then was just mediocre in the end. Simon proves he knows more than the other judges by hearing at the studio what we could all hear at home: Vonzell made a bad song choice and sang it poorly. I like Vonzell and hope she doesn't go home this week, but she's gotta do better next week.
Before the break, we learn that Anthony is going to take on Celine Dion. I know the French have a history of surrendering, but Celine lives in Vegas now, so there's no way Anthony has a chance. I'd say Celine in three rounds, or, in this case, three notes.
Still more build up to Anthony, as we see that Heather Locklear's in the audience, and her kid appears about as excited to see Anthony as I would be, which is to say, not at all. In the video intro, we hear Anthony singing when he's around 18 months old. Sadly, 18 years has done little to improve his voice. He does seem to do better with the words now, though, so props for that, I guess.
Anthony not only picks a Celine Dion song, he picks one that Kelly Clarkson sang. Anthony is stupid. Anthony's also all breathy on his vocals, so not only is he stupid and dorky, he's also creepy. I can't think that's what he was going for. When he's not breathy, he's shouty. After he's done we learn that the song really means something to Anthony and touches him in ways that few songs do. I can only hope that Anthony has people in his life that will give him crap for telling America that a Celine Dion song touches him. Didn't Anwar go home last week?
Paula watch: Paula is lucid tonight. She's maybe a little dim, and a bit inaccurate in her critiques, particularly when she starts praising Anthony, but she's lucid. That's all I ask.
Up next is Constantine, who we learn has lots of charisma and no fear. He was a good Greek boy until he started rocking out one day. And what they don't tell you is that "rocking out" means joining the theater club. Whatever.
Constantine seems hell-bent on rocking out tonight, but instead he sucks. His performance was sorta okay. He was energetic. But the singing was nasty. If Constantine was the last contestant tonight, I might go so far as to say he had the worst vocals this week - even worse than Anthony. But here to save Constantine from that distinction is none other than Scott.
Scott's package (pardon the phrase) oddly enough didn't mention him being ordered to stop going to high school after he had graduated. We also don't hear anything about him hitting his baby's momma. Instead, Scott is being positioned as the average blue collar guy, which ought to offend every decent blue collar guy in America. But don't worry, fellas. Scott was pitchy, boring and ugly. And for some reason, if Scott's lyrics are meant to express his true feelings, he really really wants to dance with his dad.
The judges more or less tell Scott that this is American Idol, not American Ass Face (I'm paraphrasing). Scott looks a little sad, like he didn't realize that. But Scott manages to refrain from mouthing off tonight, so I respect that. I just don't respect him or his vocals or his performance.
So your bottom three, America: Scott, Anthony, and Vonzell, though based on tonight it should be Constantine. I'm quite certain this is the week we get rid of Scott.
