A White Christmas with Lorie Line

reviewed by Dave

I never thought I'd be reviewing a Lorie Line concert DVD, but it was at the library, so we thought we'd check it out and see what her concerts are like. Oh dear.

After watching this DVD, I'm not sure how to explain Line's success. I sure doubt it's attibutable to high market penetration in my demographic. Maybe the Branson set digs this stuff. I dunno.

Don't get me wrong. I didn't come into this with unrealistic expectations. I was expecting a bit of cheesiness. But nothing could prepare me for the overwhelmingly gouda-y stench of "A White Christmas with Lorie Line." It really ought to come packaged with a bottle of wine.

The thesis for the remainder of my review is as follows: "A White Christmas with Lorie Line" is not right. Allow me to argue my point.

First a quick note. It is my understanding that Lorie Line is personally responsible for every aspect of her concerts. She is completely in charge. I would argue that she could really benefit from some sort of concert manager who handles things like choreography, costuming, and even the set list.

So here we go. I took notes while watching this concert DVD so I can share this nightmare with you in chronological order.

Lorie Line comes out, with her back to the crowd, and her pop orchestra starts playing the Chorus of the Bells. She just stands there. Apparently this is supposed to build drama or something. After a couple minutes, she smugly turns around and literally struts to the piano, where she begins playing a song I could play when I was 10.

A bunch of songs are played. I'm still waiting to be impressed with her playing, but I do keep in mind that most Christmas songs are pretty simple. I'm very distracted by all the bizarre hats everyone is wearing. Jaime informs me that Line designed them all. I begin thinking, "'A White Christmas with Lorie Line' is not right."

I notice that the audience looks bored. It's probably because the songs are about 10 minutes long when they should be three. Wait a minute…Line's moving away from the piano. Oh no, she's…dancing-ish. I can't dignify this with the word "dancing." That implies some sort of rhythmic movement to music. That might be what she's trying to do here. I'm not really sure, but now she's sitting back down again. Jaime reminds me that Lorie Line does all the choreography for her shows. I'm now 50 percent sure "A White Christmas with Lorie Line" is not right.

Around this time, the first glaring sign of "not rightness" really occurs. As Line and her pop orchestra play "He is Born the Holy Child," her "dancers" separate into men on one side, women on the other, and engage in coquettish flirtation. It's the first jarring juxtaposition of the sacred and the profane, but it's not the last.

We now stop the Christmas music and an oddly-placed, very long patriotic medley begins. People seem confused - the Star Spangled Banner is being played as a guitar solo. "Do we stand?" they seem to be asking themselves. "It's not the beginning of the concert, so why is it being played now?"

Nevermind, because now we're back to the Christmas music. Line's pulled two men out of the audience to sing "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" while her husband runs around in a reindeer costume on stage. Jaime informs me that her husband makes cameo appearances throughout her shows.

After Rudolph we get a very odd drum solo. Who picks this set list? Oh yeah. Next comes a bass solo, again, not Christmas-themed or anything. Jaime and I rightly discern that this is masking a costume change. Line returns and plays some stuff with just one hand. I was doing that when I was five, but I wasn't charging $50 a head to see it. It's here I realize that there haven't really been any songs that are just her playing the piano. In fact, most of the time she doesn't even have the melody line. Isn't she a soloist?

My fussing is rewarded with a nice, quiet version of "White Christmas." Her band members come down and sing the song choir style with her. "Well," I think "this is actually okay. I might pay money for this." It's a moment where the song actually is more important than any odd choreography, drawn-out arrangements, or (shudder) nightmarish hats.

But wait! No sooner is that moment of quiet understatedness done, when suddenly a horrific techno "dance" number begins. I'm beginning to get whiplash from all these jarring musical transitions, and it doesn't help that on the TV screen a fit of strobes is attempting to hide the fact that the senior citizen host of "Sit and Be Fit" has a bigger range of movement than these people do.

While I'm still trying to recover from this terror, the shark is officially jumped. I actually write that, but I wonder whether that's fair, since this concert never was very good to begin with. At any rate, what follows is Lorie Line & Co. getting jiggy to a medley of your favorite Christmas tunes. You'll probably recognize them by just their lyrics alone, like this classic: "She'll make you take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain."

Confused? The finale to "A White Christmas with Lorrie Line" is a Latin medley that consists of "I Need to Know," "Auld Lange Syne" (this song is Latin?) and "Livin' la Vida Loca." Nothing says Christmas like Ricky Martin, unless it's Lorie Line playing a Ricky Martin song. "A White Christmas with Lorie Line" is NOT RIGHT.

This song goes on for about 10 minutes. You think the song is done, everybody applauds, and two minutes later they just suddenly break into another five rounds of the chorus. Why? Why? Why? I begin to question whether there really exists any good in the universe, then calm down and theorize that maybe Line is just desperate for applause.

She walks off the stage, counts to about ten, and comes out to give an encore, whether you want it or not. It's Jingle Bells. I'm surprised at this point that it's actually a song that has anything to do with Christmas. She could have come out wearing nothing buy a goofy hat and played a gyrating 15-minute rendition of "Like A Virgin" and it wouldn't have surprised me in the least. It would have disturbed me, but it wouldn't have surprised me.

In one last attempt at showmanship, Line divides the sides up into two groups, and has them see who can sing Jingle Bells the loudest. Her kid gets to pick the winner, and he picks the side that was the quietest. I have a brief hope that maybe this giant holiday debacle will end in a bout of fisticuffs, but side B takes it better than I would have, and side A gets to go home thinking they're all winners. But we all know they aren't.

Then again, is anybody watching this really a winner? Maybe there's an old lady in the crowd who's blind and hard of hearing, or an old guy who managed to doze off. They might have had a good time, but the rest of us are screwed out of a perfectly good evening.

By this time we all know we've been had. This whole event has about as much to do with Christmas as it has to do with good taste and an amazing display of talent.

Let's all say it aloud, one last time, "'A White Christmas with Lorie Line' is not right."