Murder 8y Num8rs

reviewed by Dave

Murder by Numbers is a not-so-mysterious murder mystery starring Sandra Bullock and that wooden Ben Chaplin guy from The Truth About Cats and Dogs. Also featured are Michael Pitt (a veteran of Dawson’s Creek, if that tells you anything) and Ryan Gosling (also featured in crap I haven’t heard of and stuff I have no desire to watch) as two evil teenagers who plan the perfect murder. But was it quite so perfect? Was it!?!

No, it wasn’t. This is stunning news. All those silly cops are going to fall for what these evil juvies plotted out, but guess who’s not buying it? That’s right, a tough-as-nails no-nonsense crime scene investigator played by Sandra Bullock. Surely an obvious casting choice, right? Why does Sandra Bullock so resent having a career? She could just as easily not make movies, rather than making garbage like this.

Speaking of garbage, Murder By Numbers has the worst visual effect I’ve seen in at least the past 10 years. It’s not even something overly technical – it’s a freakin’ blue screen effect, something filmmakers have been using for decades. The greatest mystery of this movie is how this effect made it to the screens.

Here’s my advice: If you’d like to save yourself 119 minutes, spend one minute enjoying the clever way the name of the movie is spelled with numbers. That’s right, the correct name of this crapfest is apparently “Murder Eighty Numeighters” (Murder 8y Num8ers). Breathe that one in for a minute. This is the highlight of the movie, and you haven’t even watched any of it yet. Trust me, it doesn’t get any better than this.

Unless, of course, you want to see a lot of male hugging. That’s right. There may not be much reason to watch Murder Eighty Numeighters, but if you’d like to see a lot of not-so-subtle homosexual subtext, well, this here is your movie.

But it’s not mine.